Comedy Archives - Page 3 of 3

To Hell and Back

December 11, 2018 (updated May 11, 2019) Published by maxfisch

A man who lived a long life of sin is sent to hell to pay for what he has done. After meeting Satan and getting comfortable in eternal hellfire, Ned begins to make the most of his time as one of Satan’s minions.

Desperate Times: Chapter 5

February 6, 2017 (updated May 19, 2018) Published by ERook

The crew pulled around the corner at the next intersection as the cop car slowly followed behind them. “SHIT!” screamed Jack. “What did we do wrong?!?” “Calm down” said Hunter. “It’s probably just a busted tail light.” The police officer got out of his car and slowly strutted toward them. Hunter turned down the stereo as the sound of Nicki Minaj slowly faded away. He rolled down the window and looked up toward the cop. “What seems to be the problem officer?” he asked in a calm voice. “We intercepted a photo of an ongoing robbery just a few blocks away. Do you know anything about that?” asked the cop. “No sir” said Ellie, Jack and Hunter all together. “I’m gonna need you all to come down to the station to answer a few questions” said the tall, intimidating officer. “Yes sir! We’ll head there straight away!” replied Hunter. “Actually, I’m gonna need you all to come with me.”

The trio stepped out of the car and walked slowly toward the cop car. They all got in the back seats, with their heads hanging down in shame. The ride to the station was silent; the officer didn’t say a word, to them, nor did Jack, Ellie, or Hunter dare to say anything in front of the cop. After about ten minutes, they arrived at the station. The cop walked them in and took them to the interrogation room.

“Wait here.” He said. The officer left Hunter, Jack, and Ellie together in the same room. Still a little skittish, Ellie looked at her two accomplices and said “He doesn’t have anything on us. We’re going to be okay.” “She’s right.” Said Jack “Just stay calm and play it cool. Nobody change their story and it’ll be fine.”

The cop walked in a few minutes later. “My name is Officer Brady. We are looking for a group of kids who robbed a house earlier this evening.” Mr. Brady threw a photo down on the table. It was a snapshot of a younger man’s bottom while climbing a deck. “That could be anyone’s gorgeous ass” said Hunter. “Hashtag…Heist nights” said the officer. “Did you honestly think we wouldn’t find this snapchat?” Ellie and Jack remained silent, while Hunter picked up the photo and silently admired Ellie’s choice of filter. “You mind if I get a copy of this?” said Hunter, now, hardly even concerned about his own incarseration. The office snatched it from his hands and walked back out of the room.

“Will you shut up.” Said Jack to Hunter. “I’m sorry…” he replied “It’s just such a pretty picture.” “You guys, we’re doing alright” said Ellie. “They don’t have anything on us. That picture could belong to anybody. If we keep calm, and don’t say anything, they have to let us go.”

Officer Brady walked back in, placed his palms on the table, and leaned in toward the group. “I will give you one chance to tell me what you know. The three thieves sat there, silent. “Okay…” he said “you’re free to go.” Jack, Hunter, and Ellie looked at each other in relief. They gathered their things and rushed out of the room. They kept their heads down as they left the police station and they headed back to the car.

After a short walk, they arrived back at the vehicle and hopped in. “What do you think happened?” asked Jack. “I don’t think they had enough to keep us there” replied Hunter. “But we gotta make sure to be extra careful now.” Hunter started the car, pulled around the corner, and set course back up to their school.

The drive back up North was quite; everyone was still in shock that they almost got caught. The music was softly playing in the background, but the standard singing and shouting was minimal.

After about an hour, the crew arrived back at the dorms. They stepped out of the car and each grabbed a bag from the trunk. Jack led the way to the back side of the building, to avoid gathering any attention. Jack unlocked the door and Ellie held it open for the gang. They slowly walked through the hall and made their way back to Jack’s dorm room; thankfully, his roommate was out for the weekend.

They set down their bags and unloaded them on the bed. Piles of valuables lay across the mattress, and they all stared down at its glory. They divided up the goods and packed them away. After the little stunt, they all had enough to pay off their debts and the rest of their tuition. “Okay.” Said Hunter. “We’re all going to have to take turns going to pawn shops and selling these. It’ll be pretty suspicious if we all go at once.” “Agreed” said Ellie. They all looked at each other and smiled.

Desperate Times: Chapter 3

October 14, 2016 (updated October 19, 2017) Published by ERook

Jack was the first to wake. Of course being an insomniac has some issues, but at least he was the first to get to breakfast. Jack got back from the dining halls and nudged Ellie and Hunter to wake them up. “Did you know one of my old friends used to own a bread factory; it burned down, now his business is toast. TOAST!” said Jack holding a slice of bread in front of Ellie’s face. The group’s breakfast consisted of two slices of thinly sliced bread, a water bottle of cafeteria quality milk, and a small to go cup filled with crushed cheerios; it was a feast.

The next week was all about assembling the materials they needed to pull off a successful heist: ski masks, black turtle necks, rope, the whole nine yards. Victory loves preparation, but improv was the real major for all college students. The crew finished up their feast and went into town to collect materials.

Of course, in college towns there is nothing suspicious about a group of people going to buy matching turtle necks and ski masks, it is a common occurrence. Ellie and Jack walked out of the cloth shop wearing their new gear, and making fun of Hunter’s. “aww, I’ll admit I can’t pull off the ‘turtle neck’ look as well as you two, but at least now I look inconspicuous.” Ellie looked at Jack and said “you know, I didn’t invent the turtle neck, but I was the first to recognize it as tactical garment.” “Huhhhh, Archer references,” muttered Jack.

With a spiffy new look, the trio strutted back to the car and opened and closed all the doors in unison. Hunter retrieved the aux cord, plugged in his phone and….”SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME….” The windows rolled down and Smash Mouth got the attention of the other families walking through the lot. “Well this is good practice to help with our unostentatious nature” said Jack sarcastically.

The crew rolled out of the parking lot and headed for the hardware store, to get some cheap, sturdy rope. Hunter ran into the store while Jack and Ellie sat in the car listening to their large variety of movie soundtracks. After just a few minutes, Hunter ran up to the passenger side of the car where Jack was sitting and flashed a little pug toy that was for sale at the cashier belt. He stuck it on the window and Jack quickly opened up his door to hit Hunter. He fell to the ground, and sat there, silently for several seconds.

“Shit, I think I killed him,” Said Jack. Jack stepped out to give Hunter a hand. “How do you manage to put up with me?” asked Jack sticking his hand out toward Hunter. “Unconditional love” he replied with a nervous tone. Hunter brushed the rubble, off his turtleneck, threw the rope in the trunk, and got back in the car. After a short drive, they were all back on campus.

The time of the heist was coming. It was a Wednesday night and Chris’s family vacation was just a few days away. The vengeful urge was growing, and the trio was ready to take away everything Chris never deserved. The next two days were about rest, just in case a quick getaway was necessary, or in case they had to think on their feet. They all returned to their dorm rooms and sprawled across their beds. It was time to play the waiting game.

Desperate Times: Chapter 4

Desperate Times

September 8, 2016 (updated August 17, 2018) Published by ERook

“Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Everyone has been in a situation of desperation. No two are alike, but on some level everyone can relate, especially college students. The smell of Ramen boiling in the microwave, the taste of stale pizza from three months ago, and the constant need to look for quarters and dimes that fell from our fellow students’ pockets is something all students are familiar with. It is just a matter of how far they are willing to go in desperate times.

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?! HOW STUPID CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE?” Hunter’s friend had just screwed up pretty good, putting an end to his relationship with his high school best friend. Just another dumb ass who couldn’t keep himself under control during the summer vacation. “There is more to life than partying!” Hunter said. “Goodbye Christopher.”

Chris was the type of kid who had everything handed to him. Both sides of his family got a new car every few months, and gave him the brand new Escalade to drive around. Even after a dozen speeding tickets and twenty points on his license, he got no punishment, and continued on with life not knowing how to learn from his mistakes. He was uneducated, unwilling, and just plain stupid. He had no plans for his future, and left high school to live at his dad and step mom’s house.

Hunter had different plans. High school was over but college offered new beginnings. He was no genius, but knew that he and his other close friends can keep things rolling up at school, even if they were all really broke.

Work and Jobs the summer before had proven useful, but tuition, food, and school fees were a new issue. Art majors, Engineering majors, Science majors, and business majors all have to cough up twelve thousand dollars a semester for imitation food and cheap housing.

By mid second semester, Hunter, Jack, and Ellie had to figure out what to do for money. With only odd skills, and no time in between classes for work, nothing struck them as plausible.

After many long nights of hypothetical situation discussions, and many drinks, Hunter finally had one idea that would make him and his friends enough money to be financially secure the rest of the semester. “I got it!” he declared. “We’re going to rob Chris’s rich ass.” “Okay.” Said Ellie and Jack nonchalantly.

They knew exactly how much of a low life he was, and they all knew he had it coming. Both sides of Chris’s family were all pretty well off. Chris reaped the benefits with the ipad Christmas presents, car birthday gifts, and money bundles, all coming from his parents. He never appreciated it, never understood it, and never deserved the perks that he was given daily. Jack, Hunter and Ellie believed it was only ethical to do something about it.

Considering Hunter’s former relationship with Chris, he knew the floor plans of his houses pretty well. Chris crashed at the multiple houses his family owned. Unlucky for him Hunter knew the ins and outs of every room, every hall, and knew exactly what goods were within. The trio started planning.

Desperate Times: Chapter 2