A man who lived a long life of sin is sent to hell to pay for what he has done. After meeting Satan and getting comfortable in eternal hellfire, Ned begins to make the most of his time as one of Satan’s minions.
Category: Satire
Desperate Times: Chapter 5
The crew pulled around the corner at the next intersection as the cop car slowly followed behind them. “SHIT!” screamed Jack. “What did we do wrong?!?” “Calm down” said Hunter. “It’s probably just a busted tail light.” The police officer got out of his car and slowly strutted toward them. Hunter turned down the stereo as the sound of Nicki Minaj slowly faded away. He rolled down the window and looked up toward the cop. “What seems to be the problem officer?” he asked in a calm voice. “We intercepted a photo of an ongoing robbery just a few blocks away. Do you know anything about that?” asked the cop. “No sir” said Ellie, Jack and Hunter all together. “I’m gonna need you all to come down to the station to answer a few questions” said the tall, intimidating officer. “Yes sir! We’ll head there straight away!” replied Hunter. “Actually, I’m gonna need you all to come with me.”
The trio stepped out of the car and walked slowly toward the cop car. They all got in the back seats, with their heads hanging down in shame. The ride to the station was silent; the officer didn’t say a word, to them, nor did Jack, Ellie, or Hunter dare to say anything in front of the cop. After about ten minutes, they arrived at the station. The cop walked them in and took them to the interrogation room.
“Wait here.” He said. The officer left Hunter, Jack, and Ellie together in the same room. Still a little skittish, Ellie looked at her two accomplices and said “He doesn’t have anything on us. We’re going to be okay.” “She’s right.” Said Jack “Just stay calm and play it cool. Nobody change their story and it’ll be fine.”
The cop walked in a few minutes later. “My name is Officer Brady. We are looking for a group of kids who robbed a house earlier this evening.” Mr. Brady threw a photo down on the table. It was a snapshot of a younger man’s bottom while climbing a deck. “That could be anyone’s gorgeous ass” said Hunter. “Hashtag…Heist nights” said the officer. “Did you honestly think we wouldn’t find this snapchat?” Ellie and Jack remained silent, while Hunter picked up the photo and silently admired Ellie’s choice of filter. “You mind if I get a copy of this?” said Hunter, now, hardly even concerned about his own incarseration. The office snatched it from his hands and walked back out of the room.
“Will you shut up.” Said Jack to Hunter. “I’m sorry…” he replied “It’s just such a pretty picture.” “You guys, we’re doing alright” said Ellie. “They don’t have anything on us. That picture could belong to anybody. If we keep calm, and don’t say anything, they have to let us go.”
Officer Brady walked back in, placed his palms on the table, and leaned in toward the group. “I will give you one chance to tell me what you know. The three thieves sat there, silent. “Okay…” he said “you’re free to go.” Jack, Hunter, and Ellie looked at each other in relief. They gathered their things and rushed out of the room. They kept their heads down as they left the police station and they headed back to the car.
After a short walk, they arrived back at the vehicle and hopped in. “What do you think happened?” asked Jack. “I don’t think they had enough to keep us there” replied Hunter. “But we gotta make sure to be extra careful now.” Hunter started the car, pulled around the corner, and set course back up to their school.
The drive back up North was quite; everyone was still in shock that they almost got caught. The music was softly playing in the background, but the standard singing and shouting was minimal.
After about an hour, the crew arrived back at the dorms. They stepped out of the car and each grabbed a bag from the trunk. Jack led the way to the back side of the building, to avoid gathering any attention. Jack unlocked the door and Ellie held it open for the gang. They slowly walked through the hall and made their way back to Jack’s dorm room; thankfully, his roommate was out for the weekend.
They set down their bags and unloaded them on the bed. Piles of valuables lay across the mattress, and they all stared down at its glory. They divided up the goods and packed them away. After the little stunt, they all had enough to pay off their debts and the rest of their tuition. “Okay.” Said Hunter. “We’re all going to have to take turns going to pawn shops and selling these. It’ll be pretty suspicious if we all go at once.” “Agreed” said Ellie. They all looked at each other and smiled.
Desperate Times: Chapter 4
“Tonight’s the night, and it’s gonna happen again and again…” “I’m proud of you,” said Jack to Hunter, “we’ve been on the road for ten minutes and you’re already breaking out the fandom jokes.” “There is no other way to do it” replied Hunter.
It was about 7 O’clock when the team arrived downtown. They stopped briefly to gas up the car and grab some quick dinner. After a stop a Sonic, Jack, Hunter, and Ellie got back on the road, now with the rest of the Shrek soundtrack blasting in the car.
Hunter was finishing his slushi when Jack broke out the memes. Jack pulled out his phone and held the speaker near Hunter’s ear. Hunter instantly started laughing, and spewed a little blue slushi through his nose. Now, with cold slush and nerds on his lap, Hunter screamed “DUDE WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!” Jack, still cracking up about his little prank, replied “haha… I got you.” Hunter smiled, still trying to swallow the remaining slushi in his mouth and said “okay that was pretty good.” Ellie held her hand up between the two front seats and high fived Jack.
Just a few minutes later, the team pulled up onto Chris’ street. By this time it was dark, and no neighbors were out and about. They nonchalantly drove around the block, just making sure the family left for vacation, and that their timing was correct. In this situation, timing is critical. Hunter turned the car lights off and pulled around to street a few blocks away. He turned off the engine, glanced at Jack, glanced at Ellie and said “Are you ready?” They both grabbed their ski masks, pulled them over there faces, and nodded.
They exited the car, closed the doors in sync, and went to the trunk. It popped open and everyone reached in for their respective turtle neck. Now they were set for the heist. They rushed down the road and turned the corner onto Chris’s street. At the end of the block, the large house stood as the most decorated, prominent, but vulnerable house in the neighborhood. No lights were visible, on Chris’ house or otherwise. The trio hopped the fence and worked their way around to the backyard deck.
Hunter was the first to jump onto the hot tub cover. He stood on his toes and was just tall enough to reach the deck. He pulled himself up, and saw a flash of light as he heard a “snap” sound. He looked down at Ellie holding her phone up at Jack. “Are you taking pictures of my butt?” asked Jack. “No, its just for snapchat. Hashtag…heist night” said Ellie. “Oh” replied Hunter. “Just make sure you put a nice filter on it.” Hunter continued up the deck and over the railing and even added a summersault to look professional. He held out his hand for Ellie, pulled her up, and then held out his hand for Jack. Jack grabbed his hand and pulled himself up onto the deck. The treasures they have been waiting for lay just within.
Jack pulled out his lock picking kit, and got to work on the deadbolt. Ellie watched closely while Hunter hummed the toon to “It’s a small world” in the background. After about a minute, there was a loud “click.” Jack stood up slowly and slid open the door. “We’re in” he said. “sixty-nine seconds, you’re getting a little rusty there” said Hunter. Jack playfully nudged him, and put his lock picks back in his pocket.
Together, they took their first steps into the house. They all pulled out their flashlights and got a glimpse of all goods in the office. Two powerful computers stood in the corner on the desk, a few ipads were stacked on the table next to it, and a safe stood near the back of the room, where the real goods were kept.
Naturally, the safe was the main priority. Hunter worked his way to the safe, while Jack and Ellie started unplugging the computers. Shortly after, Jack and Ellie unlocked the front door, and quickly but discretely ran the desktops out to the car. Just a few minutes later, Jack and Ellie walked back through the front door to meet Hunter upstairs. Jack looked down at Hunter trying to crack the safe. “You’re still working on that? Do you need some help?” asked Ellie. “Uh I’ve seen the Italian Job, I think I know what I’m doing.” Ellie pushed Hunter aside and raised her foot. With a swift and solid kick, the safe door opened. “Huh…You see, that’s what I was gonna try next” said Hunter. “Right” said Ellie.
Hunter and Jack backed up and stood next to Ellie. They all raised their heads to look in the safe. On the top shelf, there stood a stack of silver bars, rare coins, and even a few ounces of gold. On the shelf just below, was an opened lock box with four bundles of cash, each made up of hundred, fifty, and twenty dollar bills. Next to the lock box, was a case with two watches, both Omegas. Ellie and Jack quickly gathered the contents of the safe and threw it in their backpacks. Hunter grabbed the ipads while Jack and Ellie zipped up their backpacks. “Set?” asked Hunter. “Set” replied Ellie and Jack. They closed the deck door and made their way to the front.
With their ski masks still on, they gently closed the front door and rushed to the car. They popped the trunk, through the goods in, opened the doors and hopped in. They all pulled up their masks “we did it” said Ellie. Hunter started the car and grabbed the aux cord. Music started blaring and the car took off down the street. The windows were down and the crew was celebrating, just thinking about the look on Chris’s face when he sees that all of the possessions he never deserved were gone. They pulled out onto the main road and took off in joy. In a matter of seconds, blue lights appeared behind the car and a siren was heard.
Plausible Deniability: Desert Banishment
The gang meandered the desert without food or water for days…just endless beer from Tekra’s magic stein.
“I’m gonna eat some sand” said Aura.
Aura, Caoihme, Burn, Nikolai, and Elon woddled through the sand. In the intense heat the crew could hardly think clearly; but all at once, they saw a shift in the sand. At first no one new whether or not what they were seeing was real, until a slythering creature approached under the shallow sand.
“I’m gonna eat more sand” said Aura.
Aura grabbed some more sand and brought it to her mouth. Everyone’s attention was divided between a slithering potential threat and Aura’s sandiness. She blew the sand towards Nikolai and Burn the instant a Herculean snake appeared out of the dune.
Elon reached into his pouch and pulled out a handful of pixie dust. He used his outlandish blowing skills to blow the dust at the serpent. Moments later, the snake broke out in tears.
“Oh my god; are you okay?” Said Elon in his concerned pixie voice.
“The fuck did you do Elon!?!” Screamed the entire squad in sync.
“I didn’t mean to…” answered the pixie “…I didn’t mean to.”
Burn pulled out his staff and attempted to help the saddest snake. He thought up a spell, and he thought it up quick. He waved the staff as everybody stared at the crying serpent. Its head fell off.
Burn stared straight into the deep eyes of the head.
“Shit” he said.
Plausible Deniability
A story of love, loss, murder most foul, and of course, dank ass memes. Plausible deniability follows the the roll playing campaign of the most dysfunctional, but adorable gang ever.