L.Q.I — 10/28/81

Lupus ‘Quince’ Ichor – 10/28/81

10:38 PM
Manhattan Beach; Manhattan, New York
October 28th, 2020
•••
Should I really be doing this..?

My scattered thoughts finally managed to form a question for myself as I sat on a rock, letting the waves hit the tips of my combat heels. I felt my eyes threatening to shut as I barely managed to observe the rising moon, the cold breeze of a fall weather hitting the sides of my arms enough to make the hairs on them stand straight up.

I had been back to my old habits again; no sleep, no food and no seeking attention or even assistance. I didn’t mean to cause this side of me to return, but it did..

It always does during October. During this very day. The day I came into existence..apparently.

Why do I feel like this every single time this holiday comes up..?” I muttered under my breath, rubbing my eyes. “It’s like I turn into..the worst piece of s—t around. But..why..? Why this day..?

My brain struggled to process my own words and come up with a desired solution to my behavioral issue. I considered the idea of calling Rose, Hyku or even Del to just talk to..but I suddenly felt the need to shut it down and shake it off.

Did I think they don’t care about me? No, it’s never that. I know they care about me. All of them do, really. Almost every positive relationship I have with someone—be it romantic, platonic or even carnal—would result in them caring about me..

..So why couldn’t I just open up to them? Why couldn’t I just let them in and allow them to help me..?

I looked to my phone as I turned it on, swiping through apps until I found something that was close to what I was looking for; a search engine.

Maybe the Elec-Digital Space can help me..’ I thought as I began to search for my answer. I found nothing through random clickings of links, leaving me slightly frustrated. Eventually, I used the vocal option that uses my voice to search my answer as I spoke into the device;

Why do I emotionally shut down when it’s my birthday?

The search engine gave me alot of results..but nothing stuck out. Not a single site or digital resource felt like the answer. So much so that I slightly tightened my grip of my phone for a second out of anger.

Why can’t you just help me..?” I suddenly growled out while raising both the pitch and sound of my voice, about to continue when I registered my own words..

I froze. A chill of realization caused my blood to run cold as I suddenly pieced together my own situation.

I couldn’t seek help..because I don’t deserve it. Not after what I did. Not after THAT day. Why would anyone deserve help for anything revolving myself when I caused something that severe..?

And with my own question answered, I said nothing else. Instead, I stood up and immediately left the beach, choking down tears while the moonlight highlighted my entire body through the darkness.

Can’t deserve help when you never gave it in the first place..

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